Growing up, my parents often responded to my tears or frustration by saying something along the lines of “You better stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.” I never much liked this response–most children don’t–but it wasn’t until recently that I realized how problematic this statement can be. When a child (or anyone for that matter) expresses a feeling, that feeling is real to him, even if you cannot understand or appreciate why he has reacted in that way. By saying things like, “You’re fine,” or “Big girls don’t cry, you’re not sad,” you are invalidating that child’s feelings. Maybe he’s not okay. Research finds children whose feelings have repeatedly been invalidated learn not to trust themselves. It can be very confusing for them. If a child feels frustrated and begins to cry but then her mother, whom she looks to as an authority figure, tells her that she’s okay she becomes confused. Who should she believe, her mother or herself? Research shows that this erodes a child’s sense of self. Children must be allowed to experience and express their feelings in a safe space, even when the child is misbehaving. Let’s say 5-year-old Jimmy is upset that his mom did not let him have a second helping of ice cream. He throws his bowl and begins to cry. How would you respond? Well, you don’t want to reward bad behavior by giving him the ice cream but you certainly want to yell and upset him further. Try this: “I understand that you’re angry with me because you wanted more ice cream, but throwing things is not acceptable in this house. Why don’t pick up the bowl and help Mommy clean up?” First, you always want to validate the child’s feelings, and then firmly express that the child’s behavior was unacceptable. Finally, you want to redirect their energy. I did this by asking Jimmy to help me clean up; you can also have him go pick out a book for bedtime or do something more fun. It doesn’t matter what you choose just be sure you choose something. Kids crave structure. Trust me, I understand that this can be really hard and sometimes you’ll get so caught up in your own emotions that you’ll forget to recognize your child’s. That’s one hundred percent normal, but it’s important to at least try to validate your child’s feelings more often than you invalidate them. You have to let children experience their emotions. No feeling is bad; it’s how we act on them that can cause problems. Creating a space where your children feel heard and understood allows them to come you with larger issues, as they grow older. This technique works with older children as well. Everyone wants to feel understood by those they care about most. Try this with your children (or spouse!) and let us know how it works for you.
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